(Mindy) The new year means
putting the previous year's mistakes behind you,
like the slightly-less-than-graceful way
you handled your ex-boyfriend's wedding...
Ahh!
Or the fact that the world
is hell-bent on turning you into a cat lady...
Ew! What the hell?
Disagreements with your best friend
or discovering that your perfect blond boyfriend
is a lying, gross snake with a long-term girlfriend,
making you the mistress.
But the new year is a chance
to wipe the dry erase board of life clean,
and start over,
unless some idiot has used a permanent marker.
Ugh, new year's resolution number one:
Stop undercutting my analogies.
Resolution number two: Meet a guy.
Uh, maybe we'll start with resolution number three:
Get a new look.
Come on.
(Mindy) Moving on to resolution number four:
Get in shape.
[Techno music]
Yup.
Those dancers, they had clearly practiced that routine
for many weeks before I arrived,
and I just spent $800 on a stupid grandpa suit.
The murderer-- Well, you know what?
The murderer could've been a dream,
because afterwards, Taylor swift was there,
and she was, uh, pushing me around the city in a stroller.
Okay, look, I know ever since Josh cheated on you,
you see the world as a scary place, but--
[gags]
Wait! Are you barfing?
Gwen, stress barfing
is a natural reaction to realizing
that you are surrounded by liars with secret girlfriends.
Okay, you can't live in fear, Mindy.
Wait, Alex? Are you guys hanging out without me?
Alex? Alex who? Rodriguez?
Yeah? Terrible save.
Do I look or sound like a baseball player?
Okay, Mindy, listen.
We're sorry, but you can get mad at us.
All you ever do lately is just bury yourself
in your work and hide in your apartment.
Actually, I can,
because my apartment is the only place
that I feel safe right now.
I have food, I have alcohol,
I have 600 channels, and none of them want to hurt me.
Oh, my God.
I think my apartment has been robbed.
Robbed?
The burglar's still in my house.
Gwen, I want an all-black choir at my funeral.
Hey! Get out of here!
[Screams] [Screaming]
Okay, disable his groin!
Rishi! [Screams]
Hey, guys.
Yeah, it's not a murderer. It's just my little brother.
[Hip-hop music]
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Rishi, what are you doing here?
What are any of us doing here?
[In Boston accent] Hey, do not be a smartass, all right?
You nearly gave me a heart atta--Damn it, Rishi.
Do you know how long it took me to get rid of my Boston accent?
A wicked long time, you fartknocker.
[Giggles] How did you get in here?
Your landlord let me in.
You know, a well-spoken Indian can get into anywhere he wants.
I once got myself on the field at a Redskins game,
and I met Leon Panetta.
Oh, okay, well, shouldn't you be back in school by now?
Oh, my God. Did my tuition check bounce?
Sometimes, they don't take those hunger game checks seriously,
but I get such good Mockingjay points.
Relax, Mindy, all right?
School doesn't start for a week, and I was just getting
so bored hanging out with mom and dad, you know?
Massachusetts is...
(Both) The worst.
Yeah, name one exciting thing that ever happened in Concord.
Aw, I can't stay mad at you.
Look at you, you're, like, the Indian Justin Timberlake.
Thanks. You're awesome.
[Horn honks]
I am going to take you for sushi tonight.
Morning, Dr. L.
Uh, whoa, whoa, Shauna, Betsy, please stop undressing
my baby brother with your eyes, little cradle robbers.
You don't have to.
Guys, this is Rishi.
Hi. Morning.
Come here. Hey, Morgan, Morgan.
Stop cracking his back.
His spine wasn't aligned.
His spine is perfect. Now...it is.
What is college like, Rishi? Um--
Is it all food fights?
He doesn't really have time to get into food fights, Betsy,
because he is going to be the future valedictorian
of Stanford university.
Wow. Oh. Whoa.
Guys, I might have the curves, but he ruins the curves.
[Giggles]
Did you understand what I meant by that?
You had to listen to this for twenty years, huh?
You're a braver man than I, Gunga Din.
I mean, not Gunga Din, the, uh-- the other guy, Cary Grant.
How's it going, man? What's up?
Associates, a word?
(Mindy) Go study, Rishi.
Are you wearing arm garters?
When I do office accounting, Danny,
I try to look the part.
Okay, we've got terrible news here.
They've doubled our rent. Doubled it?
Why would the landlord do this?
George has always been so nice to us.
Remember when his wife died?
He gave me all her old bras.
We're gonna have to move the practice.
Okay, okay, I just saw a vacancy for a place
next to a laundromat back in Staten.
Good people out there,
plus a blast of good-smelling air all day.
What do you think?
I will not work in Staten Island.
I will not take a boat to work like I am in the Vietcong.
[Gags] (Danny) You in?
Wow, let's move you out of range
of my expensive table, which is from Sweden.
Yep, just calm down.
I'm fine. I'm fine. Just calm down.
[Clears throat] Your back is so sweaty.
You're stressed out. Your brother's here.
Your breaking out with zits.
Jeremy and I will handle the whole rent issue, okay?
Oh, thank you.
Can we get you anything? Yes.
Some ginger ale would be nice. Some ice chips.
Uh, three magazines, celebrity-driven.
Um, none of the Twilight kids on the cover.
I'm over that.
[Beat-boxing]
♪ Here we go
♪ Shauna, you from Jers, and your style's unbelievable ♪
♪ like meadow soprano ran around billing accounts receivable ♪
[Laughs] No way! Yeah!
I also do accounts payable.
♪ Betsy, you make scheduling sex
♪ more ice around your neck than underneath Wayne Gretzky ♪
I love ice.
(Morgan) Oh, my God.
Yo, do me.
Morgan, chief nurse, phlebotomy.
All right.
♪ Phlebotomy gotta be a lot of blood, snot, and pee ♪
♪ my dude is primo when he's drawing that hemo ♪
♪ he found that vein like that fish found Nemo ♪
(All) Oh! Yeah.
Al Brooks killed that, right?
Rishi, you are incredible, okay?
And I know music.
In prison, I was exposed to all kinds:
Rap, Nazi rock, white Muslim ska--
I guess music really runs in the family.
When I was running for ninth grade treasurer,
I did a little rap as my speech.
[Beat-boxes]
♪ If we balance our budget in a responsible way ♪
♪ then we can bring back a pizza day ♪
Yeah, that's my sister. Yeah, it wasn't that good.
I am so glad that you like my music.
Of course, you're so good.
All right, well, I got something to tell you.
I am moving to New York to pursue it full-time.
Excuse me?
I was afraid to tell you,
but I guess I was just waiting for the right time.
Why would now be the right time?
Well, you can't yell at me in front of your co-workers.
Wanna bet, Rishi?
I will yell at you in front of my co-workers
when you make a stupid decision like that. Mindy--
What are you talking about, Rishi?
Look, it's just that college... Hmm?
Ain't really my steez right now.
I'm sorry, the reason you're dropping out
is because it's not your "steez"?
What is a steez, anyway?
Okay, relax, everyone.
Steez has multiple meanings-- "style with ease,"
"one's overall sense of being."
It can also mean the actor Steve Zahn.
(Mindy) Hey, enough!
Look, Mindy?
I'm dropping out of college, and I'm going to be a rapper.
Rapping is a hobby.
Do you think I would just throw my life away
simply because I'm good at naming celebrity couples?
Like, for instance, I coined "sawychols,"
which is Diane Sawyer and the director Mike Nichols.
Oh, that's pretty good. [Gags] Excuse me.
Mindy. Mindy!
Danny, my parents are going
to flip out when they hear about Rishi.
Do you know what it's like for Indian immigrants
to have their son drop out of college?
It's like if Oscar Meyer's son was a vegetarian.
Cut him off. That's what I did to my little brother.
No, Danny, I don't think I can cut him off.
I'm not good at that.
Remember that time I bailed my own mugger out of jail?
And then I bought him a sport coat,
so he could go on job interviews. [Sighs]
[Elevator chimes]
Doctor, doctor.
Witch doctor.
Oh, you joke,
but the persecution of midwives as witches
is a tragic historical fact.
Oh, boohoo-hoo, Deslaurier.
Midwife Margaret Jones
was hanged for witchcraft, Charleston, 1648.
She was the subject
of my injustice studies thesis at Brown.
[Gags]
Oh, that's mature.
I'm actually not doing "Gag me with a spoon,"
although that is hilarious.
This is related to my stress barfs.
Stress-induced nausea.
I can help you with that. Hot stone therapy.
God.
Uh, yeah,
like I'm gonna let you put hot stones
all over my body, you pervert. Yeah, man.
She's not gonna let you touch her with hot rocks.
Stones.
Stones are baby rocks.
Well, pebbles are baby rocks, actually.
And the grand canyon is one giant rock. Who cares?
Well, it's actually the lack of rock
that makes it a canyon, but...
Yeah, it's a-- Not to split hairs.
Okay, I'm not an expert in sediment and geology, all right?
I can't do that in addition to being an expert
in women's reproductive health, okay?
I can't do that, and ba-- [Gags]
Would you stop-- Okay, all right.
All right now. Let's get you out of here.
(Mike) Out of the way, Sharon.
Hey, how's it going? We're from Shulman and Associates.
Just need to talk to somebody about our rent.
Is George around?
'Sup? I'm Mike, his son,
as in George Mankin and Son Properties.
My dad's moved on.
God, I'm so sorry. My condolences.
Nothing to condole, brah.
I said that misleadingly, and you fell for it.
It's a way to show dominance at business meetings.
Okay, look, if you're dad's alive,
we need to talk to him, so where is he?
Put him in a home in Queens.
Yeah, he started to get dementia.
Dementia? Since when?
Since he started charging you dorks that low-ass rate.
Okay, first of all, we're not dorks.
We're not-- No.
No, and second of all, your dad's a great guy, man,
and he'd never go for this.
Would he go for this?
Okay, okay. Come on.
Are you kidding me? Come on.
I'm gonna knock you out.
Danny, Danny, Danny, whoa.
Danny, why don't we go and visit George tomorrow,
persuade him of some things.
Maybe he'd appreciate our company.
You know, get crafty, Danny.
No, I don't wanna get crafty.
Just move out of the way, so I can knock this guy out.
No, no, no. Stop shooting at us!
Danny, Danny, Danny, my family has a saying--
Okay, that nearly got me in the eye.
I am seeing a 3-D movie tonight.
If my experience is hampered by this nerf nonsense,
I will send you a bill, and I will expect you to pay it.
Oh, my God!
Wait, it's cool. I got drawers on.
No, that bubble bath is $68 a bottle.
And worth every penny.
All right, all right. What are you doing?
Well, I tried writing rhymes in the shower,
but my notebook kept getting wet.
Can you please, please just wait till you graduate college
before you pursue this rap stuff?
Mindy, I really appreciate your support,
but hip-hop is notoriously ageist, okay?
Lil Wayne, Lil' Flip, Young Jeezy, Young Buck--
but what about that man Ol' Dirty Bastard?
He seems to be doing pretty well.
He's dead.
All right, look, Rishi.
Clearly, I have spoiled you,
and you have completely lost track
of what is important in life.
What's important to you, okay?
This is important to me,
so why don't you just skedaddle on out
and let me soak up some of these righteous rhymes.
I'm sorry, skedaddle from my--
bounce.
Come on! This is a joke, right?
Sorry, Rishi. Tough love.
Okay, it is really cold outside, and your hair is wet,
so please wear this hat,
and there is a couple of bucks on this metrocard.
'Cause I can't give you any money, but just use that.
Mindy!
Mindy, we came from the same uterus!
I tough love you! [Gags]
Daniel!
George. How you doin'?
Jeremy. How are you, sir?
It is so good to see you two.
I don't see much of anyone since my son put me in this dump.
(Both) Yeah.
Kid's a real piece of work.
He jacked up our rent sky-high,
and we were hoping that maybe
you could go over there and talk to him.
If there's anything you could do.
Well, I'd love to help, fellas,
but I just don't have it in me to stand up to Mike.
This place just weakens the spirit.
It's so, so lonely.
[Latin music]
Uh, George,
why don't you get out there and cut a rug with that one, huh?
Come on. She's a hot dish.
Esther?
Yeah, you old dog. Do yr magiou.
No chance.
That Manny's always dominating her time,
won't let anyone else take a shot.
You know, George, if we help you with your problem,
maybe you could help us with ours.
You boys would do that? Of course.
What does Manny have that you don't have?
Lub-dub. Lub-dub.
Hey, Morgan, do you get the test results for Mrs. Baxter?
Damn, I got a dope heartbeat.
Mm.
Rishi, what are you doing here?
Morgan, explain yourself.
Look, he believed in me when you wouldn't, okay?
He let me sleep in his grandma's bedroom.
No, you were supposed to sleep on the couch.
- Look, the point is I am Reazy-Peazy's biggest fan. - Yeah.
Yeah, he owns all my CDs. I bought all 20 copies.
Rishi, this rap stuff, it is not a real lifestyle.
Just give me one aspect of your life that I should copy.
[Gagging] I di-- What'd you say?
Whoa. Are you okay?
[Gagging] People like my sense of style.
Oh, no, no, no, in there.
That is gr-- Look--
[grunts]
I have a really important rap battle
I need to prepare for, all right?
And I need to find a rhyme for "estranged sister."
We have to keep talking about this, Rishi--
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Stop, stop, stop!
"Deranged blister."
It's not bad. It could work.
[Latin music]
Okay, I'll take Esther. You take Manny.
What? I'm not gonna beat up an old man.
Don't beat him up, Danny.
Charm him. Watch.
Okay.
Excuse me, sir. There's an emergency.
If I don't dance with this exquisite creature immediately,
I may die. Oh, my!
Hey, hey.
It's okay, man, just one dance.
(Jeremy) It's an emergency.
Brits! Right?
I mean, how many times did we save their butts?
And they still think they own the world.
Right.
They're lucky they're not eating fish and sauerkraut.
Esther, you smell incredible.
What is that perfume? Is that French?
Actually, it's Italian. Fabreezie.
(Jeremy) [Chuckles]
So is there anywhere to eat around here?
Oh, I'll take you to the kitchen.
Wait a minute, let me get my cane.
We'll have some ice cream. Sounds good.
Esther, I have a confession to make.
I'm not actually here on my own behalf.
I knew it.
You're selling cemetery plots.
No.
My friend has a crush on you.
George?
(Jeremy) Manny's gone. Go to him.
Chloe Silverado.
Yes, that's, um-- that's me.
I am such a mess
that I have stooped to coming to you
to rub hot stones on my body.
Well, you've made a wise choice, Ms. Silverado.
Follow me.
Uh, Brendan, it's actually--it's Mindy.
It's Mindy from downstairs. Yeah, I know.
Sorry I didn't take off all my clothes.
Didn't ask you to.
Yeah, bet you would've loved that.
Okay, this works better if you don't talk.
Fine. Okay, here we go.
[Screams] What?
Brendan, that is so cold.
Well, we actually use a combination
of hot and cold stones, so--
Okay, well, then, advertise it
as "Hot and cold stone treatment."
I don't deliver someone's baby
and then instead remove their spleen.
Okay. This one's hot.
[Screams] It's not that hot.
No, you're right. It--it is warm.
I thought it was going to be hotter, so I was surprised.
Can we try a small one now? Yes.
Okay, here we go. [Gasps]
What could possibly be wrong? What?
Just that was accurate. What you described is accurate.
And that sort of surprised me a little.
Okay, what would make you feel more comfortable?
Just stone me.
Sky done, mountains needed.
I'm worried about Manny.
I mean, he just-- he fell asleep in his ice cream.
I just walked away. He'll be fine.
[Laughter] Oh.
Here come the lovebirds.
You guys were just watching Charlie Rose, right?
One way of putting it.
Thanks, fellas, and don't worry.
I'm going to talk to my son about your rent...
That's awesome.
Uh, the first chance that Esther
lets me come up for air.
[Laughter] Hey! Get away from my wife!
(Jeremy and Danny) What?
You never mentioned that Manny was Esther's husband.
I must have forgot.
I'm gonna kick your ass!
Now, wait, she is tired of you!
She wanted to hear some Korean war stories for a change.
That was a man's war.
Well, I'll show you-- What the--?
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You, tricking a war veteran, you crafty bastard!
No, I'm not crafty! I didn't know, I didn't know!
Okay, are we cool on the rent? Yeah, yeah.
(Danny) Manny, I'm sorry about everything.
Greatest generation.
Well, you're a ball of stress.
Oh, God, Brendan, my brother's dropping
out of college to become a rapper.
Our relationships with our siblings
are often fraught.
Wait, what are you talking about?
You and Duncan are, like, best friends.
Not always.
When I was in college, I read Walden,
and I decided I wanted to live in the woods
on my own for a year,
and Duncan thought it was a terrible idea.
Yeah, I agree with Duncan. That's a huge waste of time.
Well, I headed off into the wilderness
on my own anyway.
Three days later,
I was discovered delirious and dehydrated,
fighting off yearlings for access to a doe teat,
but guess who discovered me.
Bootleggers.
Duncan.
See, when your brother stumbles,
as we all do, it's nice to have someone there
who shares the same blood type.
Oh. This is all nonsense.
No, no, no, no, no. Don't, don't.
I'm sorry, Brendan, I mean, you do give
really good advice about brothers.
Great. This is great.
Oh, God, I am so sorry about your stones.
Now that they've hit the ground, they're rocks.
Stones and rocks come from the ground.
Do you take insur-- No, of course not.
[Door closes]
[Hip-hop music]
♪ She went next door to the store ♪
♪
[Indistinct chatter]
Rishi! Rishi!
Look who's here, look who's here. Mindy, you came?
Yeah, of course, to support my little brother.
Oh, God, did our fighting give you the stress barfs?
No, we got bigger problems than that.
Yeah, my backup singer cancelled,
so now, I can't even perform.
Oh, no.
What?
Turn around. No.
Okay.
Wait, Morgan, that's a great idea.
Mindy, you could sing my hook, right?
Here are the lyrics.
I do love singing, but I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know either.
Morgan, shut up! How many people are here?
Not that many. A handful.
Okay, let's see.
[Rap music]
♪
There's a lot of people here.
Mindy, don't get-- You're gonna get me st--[Gags]
Oh, God. Stop.
You're being judged by a white rapper.
Reesh, I wish that I could sing your hook for you.
I just--I'm a doctor. I can't go out there and sing.
I happen to agree with her.
Your sister's a great person, zero stage presence.
Rishi, I know you wanted a woman to sing this part,
but I did play Effie White
in the Otisville production of Dreamgirls.
My cell mate said it was, "better than solitary."
Always recycle, okay?
Plastic and paper, we need to save our environment.
See you guys later. [Cheers and applause]
Our next act is out of Palo Alto, California,
and when my man isn't dropping rhymes,
he's eye-droppin' experimental medicines
from Stanford's artificial cornea lab.
Y'all put y'all hands together for Reazy-Peazy!
Mindy, come on. I gotta go on right now.
I can't do it. I can't do it.
I'm gonna-- I feel sick.
Do you want the lyrics?
I don't even need the lyrics. Thank you.
I'm gonna freestyle this. What?
I'll see you out there. Rishi, it's gonna be fine.
You're gonna be great. Go, go, go!
Go! It's gonna be fine.
[Cheers and applause]
Oh!
New York City, how you doing?
That's right.
What's up, Shauna, Betsy, Dr. C, Dr. Reed?
(Rishi) All right.
[Hip-hop beat] ♪ Yup
Come on, Rishi! ♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh
♪ knock knock ♪ who's there
♪ yo, it's me, Reazy Peaz ♪
♪ give you all what you need, wannabe MCs ♪
♪ all fall to their knees while I rap with ease ♪
♪ I'm a brainiac, maniac, tell me where the ladies at ♪
♪ my flow is critical clinical, call me medical ♪
♪ the way I play the decibels put the pedal to metal y'all ♪
♪ style is edible, my flow is indelible ♪
♪ irrevocably incredible, I'm telling you ♪
♪ day before yesterday is when I met Rishi ♪
♪ then I found out his name is Reazy-Peazy ♪
♪ he is the brother of the doctor I work ♪ [Booing]
Let me finish. Let me finish.
♪ I tried to crack his back, that is kind of rude ♪
Rishi, ignore them. Hold on.
♪ Let me get out my rap
hey. [Mic feedback]
[Groans]
♪ And I make you sweat
oh, um--[Clears throat] Yeah. Uh, uh.
Yeah. ♪ and I make you sweat
♪ mm, make me sweat
♪ ooh, boy, give me something that I won't forget ♪
♪ What's my name ♪ Ooh, Reazy
♪ Yeah, what's my name ♪ Ooh, Reazy
♪ Bitch, what's my name? ♪
Excuse me? Don't call your sister--
Okay. All right.
♪ What you need, ma
♪ I got a case of the lonelies ♪
♪ brown Channing Tatum, why don't you come on and b-- ♪
Okay, I'm not gonna say that to my brother.
All right.
♪ We gonna do it in the swimming pool ♪
♪ boom, boom, baby girl, we're gonna shake the room ♪
♪ hold on, short brown, it's the temple of doom ♪
♪ we goin' long, 'cause it's a marathon ♪
♪ I'm gonna make you sweat, baby girl ♪
♪ so you best wear your thong ♪
♪ yeah, I'll make you sweat ♪
♪ mm, make me sweat
♪ ooh, boy, give me something that I won't forget ♪
♪ Now, what's my name ♪ Ooh, Reazy
♪ Bitch, what's my name ♪ Ooh, Reazy
♪ What you need, ma
♪ I got a case of the lonelies ♪
♪ brown Channing Tatum, won't you come on and hold me ♪
♪ and I put my lips, my lips, my lips ♪
♪ my lips, my lips Yeah, we know.
♪ Every single girl in this bitch ♪ That's too vivid.
Hugging and kissing is fine too.
You're all young, don't need to go all the way.
[Cheers and applause]
(Mindy) Okay, I haven't broken out
mom's saag paneer recipe in a long time,
so please be gentle.
It's gritty.
Yes, I think that is the mac and cheese powder I used.
I am so happy you're going back to college.
I'm also happy that I went to the rap battle.
Me too.
Hey, you have to change your name.
Reazy-Peazy, it just has no meaning,
and I think that it should be something,
I don't know, that reflects more of the people in your life
and stuff, like "Little Bro."
No, that's horrible.
How about, like, "Nice Cube"? Are you kidding?
How about, like, "MC Smarty-Pants"?
[Laughing] What?
Reesh, I don't know about this dinner.
I think maybe we should order something good.
Yeah, I was just gonna play with it.
It's not that bad. Come on.
***.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com